Harry Potter and the Wild Goose Chase
by jasonc65
Summary: A badfic. Movebased. What could be worse?


A badfic. By omitting all the details, I want to see just how bad it can get. If you hated the movies, then this fic is for you. 

Disclaimer:  
"What you're reciting is mine, Fidentinus; _the_ booklet _belongs to me_;  
But badly just as you recite, it begins to belong to thee".  
-Martial, a Roman poet

I don't own the Harry Potter movies, and I'm afraid to say, neither does JK Rowling. As soon as Hollywood acted it out so badly, it began to become theirs.

Rating the same as the movies, because I promise you it is going to be just as violent, hormonal, immoral, and pointless.

* * *

"Wake up!" 

Harry Potter heard her say it not for the umpteenth time. It was only the first time Mrs. Dursley ever shouted at him. Not that he ever liked her. She was always mean.

So Harry Potter got up out of the closet in which he had been accustomed to sleeping even though he never really thought about why, and so he went off to his usual boring day at school. He could not recall what happened at school that day, only that as soon as he was home, he received a letter in the mail addressed to him. No sooner had he looked at the letter than it was snatched out of his hand; to his looks of surpise, Uncle Vernon snapped: "A letter to you, impossibile! Don't even think for a moment that anyone would ever write to someone as undesirable and troublesome as you." And so he threw the letter in the fireplace. Harry hardly had another thought before Mrs. Dursley screamed. "What is the matter?" As Vernon rushed into the kitchen, Mrs. Dursley could be seen splattered with eggs and holding another letter of the same kind, before Vernon could dispose of which an owl swooped through the broken window and dropped a third one. Then all was a confusion of Vernon rushing to board up every possible entrance and letters litterally raining through ceiling as though it did not exist.

Then Harry was rushed to the car amidst Dudley's argument to be taken to some place the Dursleys still hoped to find refuge. They drove through the rain of both water and letters to an unfamiliar place by the beach where there was a cave. Into the cave they went; lightning flashed, thunder rolled, Harry did not even bother to count down the few seconds remaining til his birthday, and as the storm reached its climax, in came a giant of a man. As Vernon, trembling, pointed a gun, the giant of a man nonchalantly twisted its tip so as to render it harmless. Harry could not remember if the gun ever fired.

"You're a Wizard, Harry".

"What?"

"You're a Wizard. I'm Hagrid, keeper of the grounds of Hogwarts. Professor Dumbledore has sent me to notify you of your acceptance".

Harry Potter was speechless.

"Dursley, you prune, you never told him?"

Vernon, cowering badly, "Don't give me nonsense. Wizards do not exist!"

Straighforth, Hagrid pointed his umbrella at poor Dudley, who began to grow a pigtail on his behind. There was silence for ten seconds as Hagrid began to explain to Harry the truth he had not yet known.

"So how can I be a Wizard? I don't have any powers"?

"But surely you remembered times when you made stuff happen, like the time you let the snake loose in the snakehouse?"

Harry suddenly remembered: at school that day, he had been on a field trip to the local zoo. While visiting the reptile house, he had noticed a particularly large snake in a cage the sign on which had read: "Boa constrictor: these snakes are known for their stranglehold". He had asked the snake, "So you're from Brazil?" To which the snake had replied, "No way, Hosé". At which he nearly kicked himself for not reading the rest of the caption which had said, "Bred in captivity". He had forgotten to be startled that a snake could talk, and so it was Dudley with his taunting remark who had snapped him back to reality. Before he could respond, Dudley had fallen through the glass into the water; at the same time, the snake, with a profer of "Thanks amigo", uncoiled itself out of the cage. Although it had looked completely harmless from Harry's vantage point, the crowds scrambled out of the way with fright. Harry could remember no further, other than the fact that he had gotten detention and been sent home with a bad note.

"Were my parents Wizards too?"

"You're father was a Wizard and your mother a Witch; do you know how your parents died?"

"I was told it was a car crash".

"A CAR CRASH!", pointing at Vernon. "Insane! A Wizard and a Witch could not have died of a car crash, Harry. What killed your parents was a Wizard who had gone as bad as a Wizard could possibly go".

"What was his name?".

"I can't remember how to pronounce it".

"Can you spell it?"

"I can't on account of it being French, and the English spelling system being so messed up. I think it's...Voldemor-t", he said, stuttering to pronounce the "t" as he was not sure if it were silent. But please don't repeat it. We fear the name. Just from now on call him 'You-Know-Who' ".

"Vol -- You Know Who. Got it".


End file.
